


Learning to Listen

by Trexi



Series: Destiny is Optional [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Era, F/M, Magic Reveal, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-29 16:17:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15076970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trexi/pseuds/Trexi
Summary: Arthur aims to learn about all the times Merlin believes he failed and what exactly was the last straw.





	1. Merlin of Camelot

Merlin has met his father. Out of all the things he said last night that sticks out the most. I wish I’d asked about it then, but I wasn’t taking a drunk man’s rambling seriously. He wasn’t drunk though. All those times I thought he was in a tavern and he insisted he wasn’t. Merlin’s right; I need to pay attention. When could he have met his father? I do remember him telling me he had no idea who the man was. When did that change? How’s he think he failed the man? Why did he not think to tell me about it?

I need to remember the names. Lancelot three times. Did Merlin somehow feel responsible for the knight’s death, or at least his supposed death, when he sacrificed himself? But what about the other two times? His friend from Ealdor, Will. I guess Merlin blames himself for Will taking an arrow for me. There was something else about his friend, but I can’t remember. Is my memory really that bad? No wonder Merlin seemed so frustrated with me.

He mentioned Morgana twice, but we all blame ourselves for her turning to magic. It’s hardly Merlin’s fault. Sure he was clearly infatuated with her, but ... that changed in the year leading up to her betrayal. Did he know about her change before the rest of us? Gwen admitted that she knew about Morgana’s magic before she helped Morgause invade Camelot; maybe he did too.

I think Merlin mentioned Gaius, but I don’t think he’s gotten Gaius in trouble before. Sure there was that incident with the witchfinder, but that man was a fraud. There was another name, a girl’s name ... Freya. Out of all the names, Merlin sounded the most heartbroken when he said hers. Maybe they were together once. But surely Merlin would’ve told me that. Then again, he never mentioned meeting his father, so why would that be any different.

For a man that manages to make me reluctantly open up a lot, Merlin appears to keep a lot hidden away. And considering how broken he sounded last night, something tells me that he doesn’t tell even Gaius the full extent of it. Though, the physician probably knows what Merlin means when he said he failed all of Camelot. I doubt Merlin’s ever been put into a position where he could fail the whole kingdom. The only ones that could are people in power and maybe even...

No. Surely he didn’t mean that. He did seem like he was taking responsibility, but that’s just a thing Merlin does. He takes the blame and guilt for things that he couldn’t possibly have played a part in. It’d explain why he was so determined to ride out with me. Perhaps he was driven by guilt. And he was the only one who came back uninjured. No. I’m jumping to conclusions. Merlin always comes back impossibly injury-free from battles; that doesn’t mean he released the Great Dragon.

There were two names that I don’t remember. I didn’t recognise them and Merlin didn’t place any particular emphasis on them. For all I know they could’ve been patients, but that seems to be the problem here. I don’t know how Merlin has seemingly failed all these people. If I was paying attention when each event happened then maybe I would. I’ve certainly no idea when Merlin could’ve failed my father. I’m pretty sure he never actually liked my father, but thankfully kept from explicitly saying that aloud.  

I think I do know when he thought he had failed the knights. The Lamia. Even if he was the only man to not fall under her influence, which I teased him about for weeks, I doubt there was any more he could’ve done. I have to commend him on taking the brunt of the knights’ enchanted behaviour so that Guinevere didn’t, though I won’t do it to his face, of course.

Then again, maybe that’s the problem. When was the last time I genuinely praised the man? He’s always the one to get me back into the right mind whenever I’ve lost sight of myself after all. So why does he think he’s failed me enough times to warrant losing count? Maybe it’s time I return the favour, said no king about his manservant. It’s bad enough that I stayed up last night writing this royal proclamation to fix that little problem of his. He’s managed to capture my complete focus right now.

I explained the situation to Guinevere and she agreed and signed this proclamation. She seemed most interested in the final person Merlin failed. Aithusa. I’ve no idea who this girl is or why Merlin feels responsible for her going missing. Is she the reason that set him over the edge? Was he at the tavern worrying over where she is? I’d be more than happy to go out and help look for her if Merlin would only ask.

That’s the problem when it comes down to it. At some point, Merlin has stopped coming to me to ask for help.

Speaking of the manservant, he barges into my chambers like it’s any other morning and raises an eyebrow at me sitting fully-dressed at my desk with a finished breakfast plate.

“Rise and shine?”

I stand up and hold out the parchment. “I haven’t forgotten.”

Merlin cautiously walks up to me and takes it. “What’s this?”

I smile. “Well you brought up a good point last night. Ten years of service and you were still a citizen of Essetir. That officially declares you Merlin of Camelot. Now I really am your king.”

Merlin’s eyes widen for a moment. I’ve managed to surprise him. But then that recent constant sadness reappears. “You’ve always been my king,” he says, like it was never up for debate. Merlin tucks the parchment into his jacket. “Is that all?”

“Have I done something to upset you? Is that why last night-.”

“You’ve got a round table meeting in five minutes, sire. If you’ve already eaten, then we better go now.”

“If it was me that caused this, then I apologise. I never intended to make you feel as though you failed anyone.”

Merlin sighs. “Look, Arthur. I need you to just forget everything that I said last night. Clearly, I wasn’t in the right mind.”

“Being honest with me, however vague you were, is not being in the right mind?”

“I was drunk!”

“Your tankard was full. And when I spoke to the tavern owner, he told me that you’d never willingly drunken anything there before. The only times he’s seen you drinking there was with Sir Gwaine after being dragged there in the first place. Regardless of whether you think we’re friends, I suggest you do not lie to your king.”

“I’m sorry. I really wasn’t in the right mind, even if I was sober. I didn’t mean it when I said we aren’t friends. I’ve just had a rough past ... well, while.” He smiles, the first genuine one I’ve seen in weeks. “Thank you for the citizenship. I’m glad you remembered that part of my little outburst.”

I remember a little more than that.

“Well, as someone angrily pointed out, I need to remember these things.”

Merlin laughs. “At least I’ve never had it as bad as someone people.”

“Like Sir Mordred?” I almost miss him flinching, almost. “I can’t remember for the life of me when I might’ve saved his life.”

“He was only a child back then.” Merlin looks like he wants to say more, but stops himself.

“What happened?”

“If he hasn’t reminded you, then I won’t either.” Merlin crosses my chambers. “We really should head to that meeting, sire.”

I nod and let it go. I’m adding it to the list though. I don’t know why Merlin seems to be so uneasy around Mordred, but it’s interesting that he just showed a degree of loyalty. I should probably be writing these down somewhere. I’ve already started forgetting Merlin’s list of names. I’m pretty sure Mordred wasn’t on that list. So maybe this isn’t related. I’ll know for sure once I talk to Gaius.

It’s about time I find out why exactly the physician has been lying about Merlin being in the tavern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin telling Arthur that the king won't remember what he said was effectively challenging Arthur to remember as much as he could.
> 
> In this, I consider Mordred to still be good. He still worships Arthur at this point in canon even if Merlin can't see that.


	2. Gaius: Court Physician and Compulsive Liar

I throw open his door. “Gaius, tell me, why have you seen it fit to repeatedly lie to your king?”

Gaius spins around from his potion-making. “What are you referring to, sire?”

Interesting that he’s lied enough to not be sure. “Merlin and taverns. I found out a wealth of things about my manservant last night and one of those is that this was the first time he’s gone to the tavern when you’ve told me as much. Imagine how surprised I was, especially when I found out that he hadn’t drunken anything either.”

“Perhaps he went to another tavern the other times.”

I sit at his workbench. “Try again.”

Gaius sighs. “There have been times that his actual location could be perceived as questionable and when you asked of his whereabouts, I may have answered with what first came to mind.”

“You lied on impulse?”

“I am a physician. Sometimes I have to lie in order to keep a patient calm. It’s a skill I’ve had to develop in my role like any other.”

“Of course, but why would it be your first instinct to lie to your king?” I see the lie forming and shake my head. “Where exactly has Merlin been when you’ve said he was in the tavern?”

“I’m afraid I don’t remember each time,” he says. The truth, finally. “But the longest trip was three years ago when he was under the influence of a fomorroh thanks to Morgana.”

“A what?”

Gaius looks reluctant to continue. He looks reluctant to have this conversation at all. “Know that I heavily advised Merlin and the not yet Queen Guinevere, who knew, to not mention this particular incident to you.” I nod and he continues. “It’s a creature of magic, a small snake, which is placed in the back of the victim’s neck. It allows the enchanter to fill them with a single thought, robbing everything that makes the victim them. When you and Merlin were separated by a rock fall, Morgana captured him. She enchanted him with a fomorroh and set him back out.”

“What was the one thought?”

“To kill you. Gwen and I realised that something was wrong and thankfully Merlin is a terrible assassin. I was able to contact someone to kill the fomorroh mother-beast and we got Merlin back. He doesn’t remember anything from being enchanted, but I admit he received a rather harsh punishment after almost dying, facing Morgana and having his mind controlled. That was one time I wish my instinctual response was not to say he was in the tavern.”

How many other things has Merlin kept from me? He said he was dying once, but I never believed him. Was he telling the truth then? There are only so many questions I have time to ask and I doubt Gaius will answer them all. But there is something that’s been worrying me.

“Why’d he mention the pyre? I’ve threatened Merlin with the stocks, the dungeons and banishment plenty of times. He’s faced the first two several times each, but I’ve never threatened him with the pyre before. Why on Earth would Merlin think I want to kill him?”

Gaius opens his mouth, and then closes it with a sigh. He was about to lie to me. It’s that automatic. Why’d I ever believe it when he told me Merlin was at the tavern of all places?

“Sire, how many times has Merlin been charged with sorcery?”

“I...” I don’t know.

“It’s my fault, really. He gets blamed because of his proximity to me, a known ex-magic-user.”

“But he was always proven innocent.”

“You’ve never faced the prospect of the pyre before, sire. The boy’s had nightmares about it since he got here. Remember when he proclaimed to be a sorcerer to save Gwen? Or how many times she’s been accused of the same crime, despite being innocent? It didn’t matter whether someone was innocent or not in your father’s reign. He was blinded by magic and for someone like Merlin, who always gets himself into trouble, the pyre was a very real threat. All a disgruntled knight, or anyone really, had to do was come up with a tale of his eyes flashing gold and Uther would’ve had him executed.”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

“How many times have you arrested Merlin, sire?”

I don’t know. How could I not know? “I’m not my father,” I say instead. “Merlin has no reason to fear the pyre.”

Gaius nods. “One cannot simply shed years of ingrained fear, but I will make sure he knows that. It may help if you stop threatening to banish him every time he speaks his mind or says something you disagree with.” He turns back to his potion-making,

“There is something else he said that you might be able to shed some light on.” Well, there are several somethings, but I’m most curious about this.

“Are you sure it’s not better to ask Merlin directly?”

“Well considering he hasn’t told me about meeting his father before, I somehow doubt he’ll tell me how he failed the man. In fact, he seemed rather intent on saying he failed quite a few people.” Even said something about a destiny, but what destiny could Merlin possible have?

Gaius flinches. “If anyone failed Merlin’s father, it was me,” he says in a low tone.

“You know who he is.”

“I knew who he was before Merlin did. Hunith asked me to keep it a secret and I did, but I’m afraid that doing so robbed Merlin of an opportunity to truly know his father.”

I process that. “He’s dead.”

“Merlin’s father passed within days of their first meeting. I thankfully faced the brunt of Merlin’s anger, so that when it came time for him to tell Hunith, they could grieve in peace.”

“When did this happen?” How could I not notice? Merlin was there for me when my father passed and I didn’t even notice when his did. How can he stand to look at me?

“Years ago, back when you were Crown Prince.” Merlin walks into the room and flops onto the bench next to me. “My father died when the Great Dragon was released. He was someone that was wrongly prosecuted during the Great Purge, so my mother and Gaius wanted to protect both of us by neither knowing about the other.”

“How can you be so ... indifferent about this?”

“I told you that I’d feel better tomorrow. Today’s tomorrow. You really don’t pay attention, do you?”

I let that one go. “Do you know he’s name?”

“Yep.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Why’s it matter? I was still born out of wedlock. It doesn’t matter who my father was; it won’t change anything.”

“He was nobility?”

“Of a sorts.” Merlin narrows his eyes. “So why were you asking Gaius about him?”

I force back a groan. “Because Merlin, you decided to keep things from me and I have to find out why you seem to think you’ve failed so many people.”

“You could just forget like normal. I bet you don’t even remember half of what I said last night.”

I won’t admit that. “The point is I shouldn’t have to because you should tell me about these things as they happen. Careful or I might start thinking you’re keeping a whole other life from me.”

Something shifts in Merlin’s expression. I’m not sure what, and it’s already gone, but he definitely reacted to that. I’ll let it go for now. Unless I manage to get Merlin actually drunk, spilling his secrets is going to be a long game. And if I’m going to stop Merlin from saying he doesn’t want to be Merlin anymore again, then I’ll have to be patient. Maybe I should fully recruit Guinevere into this. The knights could help too ... on second thoughts, they have all the subtlety of a battering ram.

“Well, if you’re done gossiping about my life, _sire_ , you’ve got kingly duties to stop avoiding.”

I do not allow my manservant to drag me to my feet; I just happen to start standing when he grabs my arm and pulls me up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's starting to hope for an assassination attempt to distract Arthur.


	3. Merlin's Missing Daughter

“Who’s Aithusa and when did she go missing?” I ask.

Guinevere shakes her head while eating her dinner.

Merlin looks like he’s trying to decide whether to answer or _accidentally_ pour the pitcher of wine over me. It’s happened before. The pitcher tilts and Merlin sighs.

“She’s pretty much a daughter to me,” he says.

I almost knock over my goblet. Guinevere chokes on her food. I’m glad she’s equally surprised.

“Since when do you have a daughter, Merlin?” I ask.

Merlin glances at the door. He frowns and looks back. “A little over three years. Aithusa became my responsibility just after you became King.”

“Why did you never tell us?” Guinevere asks.

“It’s complicated.”

“Answer the question,” I say.

Merlin sighs and drops into a chair. He’s the only servant who would casually sit with his dining King and Queen. “Aithusa can’t be in Camelot. If she could, I would’ve had her stay with me. I don’t entirely trust her actual guardian. Apparently I was right in that considering he let her go missing so easily.”

“Then why do you blame yourself?” I ask.

“Because I didn’t notice for months. I usually meet up with the two of them regularly, but I kept getting distracted with everything that was happening here.”

“Merlin,” Guinevere says gently, “do you want our help finding her?”

“No, it’s fine. I know where, well, I don’t know where she is right now. But I know who she is with. I don’t know how the two of them ended up together or why Aithusa has formed such a close bond, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I mean, I could forcibly bring her back to her guardian. She might end up hating me for it though, and I can’t have Aithusa hate me.”

“Who is she with now?” I ask.

Merlin glances at the door and back again. “Arthur, she’s just a child. She doesn’t understand right from wrong.”

“Who is Aithusa with?”

He hangs his head. “Morgana. I last saw her with Morgana.” I open my mouth to ask several questions, but Merlin continues. “I tried asking her why. I tried asking her so much, but there just wasn’t enough time and she...” Merlin’s eyes glisten with tears. “She couldn’t speak. I don’t know why and I don’t think it was Morgana, but Aithusa couldn’t speak. That’s not all. Her body was... It was like she had grown in a space that wasn’t big enough for her. And I couldn’t do anything about it! I had to leave her there because I couldn’t bring her home with me. I just had to leave her in Morgana’s care of all people.”

I can’t believe I’m going to say this. “Morgana may be evil, but surely if she knew who Aithusa was to you, she’d-.”

“If Morgana knew about our connection, Aithusa would be in danger. I do not doubt that Morgana would hurt her to get to me. If there is anyone she hates as much as she did Uther, it is me. That’s without knowing everything I’ve done. She spent years trying to kill him until she finally succeeded. I won’t endanger Aithusa.”

“What do you mean Morgana killed our father? The assassin was sent by Odin and that old sorcerer, Dragoon, was the one to finish him.”

“No, Arthur. He did everything in his power to save your father. Morgana made sure that attempt was in vain.”

I scoff. “How could she have possibly-.”

“Gaius found a necklace around Uther’s neck that reversed any spell cast on him. He didn’t tell you at the time because only one other person knew about your deal with Dragoon.”

No. “Agravaine.”

“If Gaius had told you about the necklace then, Agravaine would’ve made sure that either Gaius or me faced the pyre for killing Uther. We couldn’t tell you the truth because you would’ve believed him over us. And in your rage over your father’s death, I don’t think you would have hesitated to execute whoever Agravaine pointed his finger at.” Merlin sighs. “You can understand why I won’t let Morgana learn that Aithusa and I so much as know each other. She is far too good at manipulating people.”

“But why can’t Aithusa be here? Does her guardian not want her in Camelot?” I ask, trying to avoid looking directly at him.

I fail that when he looks up at me with the saddest eyes and the tiniest smile. “If she was allowed, he would love her being here.”

“Then why can’t she?” Guinevere asks.

Merlin rubs any last tears from his eyes. “Because magic is illegal in Camelot. It’s why I never told you about her before. You’d have Aithusa killed if she ever came here. Well, you’d try.”

She’s a child with magic? Merlin would...

“You would stop me?” I ask, somehow able to speak.

“I wouldn’t let her come here in the first place.”

“Why stay in Camelot then?” I ask.

“My duty to you is greater than my duty to any other. Aithusa and her guardian know that.”

What did I do to deserve such unflinching loyalty? Wait, when he said... No. Please. No.

“You told me there could be no place in magic for Camelot,” I say quietly.

Merlin flinches. “And that is the hardest decision I have ever made.”

“That’s why you were in the Rising Sun.”

Merlin stands. “Please, Arthur. If you value our friendship, then forget about what I said that night.”

“How can I when you chose Camelot over your daughter?”

“No, I chose you over her. There is a difference.” He bows. “If that will be all, your majesties?”

Guinevere stands. “Merlin-.”

“Have a good night.”

Merlin somehow manages to politely slam the door behind him.

“When did he start keeping so much from us?”

Guinevere sighs. “I’m not sure he was ever completely open. I can count on one hand the amount of times he came to me for help after his first year in Camelot. If I try to count the amount of times he’s helped me though...”

“How can I be a good king if I know so little about the person I spend the most time with? Am I really that unobservant or has Merlin been making secret-keeping an art form?”

“Arthur, he’s my best friend too. I’ve always known that there’s something different about him, some other side that he keeps hidden most of the time, but I trust Merlin. The things we’ve learned over the past couple of days, well, we could hardly help with them now, could we? Merlin doesn’t like asking for help with pressing matters; he’s hardly going to tell us about things we can’t change now.”

“I could’ve. I could’ve brought magic back. The Disir wasn’t the first time I’ve been in that position. Merlin’s only been absent one of those times. Another, another he inadvertently advised against it. I didn’t notice it then, but now that I know the signs, he looked shattered when I thanked him for reminding me how evil magic was. I was too busy glad I hadn’t killed my father.” I freeze. “I wasn’t even King then. Merlin wasn’t responsible for Aithusa back then. Who else has he been putting me before?”

“Maybe it’s time we asked Sir Gwaine for help,” she suggests. I groan. Guinevere frowns at me. “He has a way of getting Merlin to open up.”

“I’m not sure drinking a tavern dry is the best way yet. Surely we aren’t out of options.”

She shakes her head. “Trust me, Arthur. If we bring Sir Gwaine into this, he won’t use the tavern to get through to Merlin.”

“Alright, I’ll talk to him tomorrow.”

Wait a minute, how could Merlin forcibly take anyone away from Morgana? Either he has a secretly powerful father voice or he’s way over his head. Knowing Merlin, it’s probably the latter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin doesn't mean that he'll stop being friends with Arthur if the king doesn't let it go; he's sure that Arthur will stop being friends with him.


	4. Sir Gwaine's Turn

“Merlin, my friend,” Gwaine says, pulling Merlin into the empty guest chambers I’m hiding in. “Word is your father was a noble. Why’d you never tell me?”

Merlin groans. “Has Arthur put you up to this?”

I stiffen from behind the screen. I didn’t think Merlin would catch on so quickly.

“He did mention something about obsessing over your tavern ramblings, but the only thing I really heard was him mentioning your father.”

“Well do me a favour and tell him to leave-it-be. I’m getting sick of the prat butting into my business.”

He sounds angry, properly angry. Maybe I should just let it go. No. Merlin’s keeping secrets from me and lots of them. After repeatedly making me spill mine, it’s about time that I learn his.

Gwaine shrugs. “Look, I don’t want to get in between this little fight-.”

“It’s not a fight. It’s Arthur not respecting my privacy. It’s Arthur asking about topics I’m not comfortable talking about. It’s Arthur going behind my back and talking to Gaius about things I wouldn’t tell him. It’s Arthur taking every opportunity to catch me off-guard and learn things that I have a million good reasons to keep hidden.

“Of course he would know this, if he had just listened to me when I told him to disregard anything I said in that blasted tavern in the first place. But no, the King of Camelot does not back down. Instead he wastes time harassing his manservant. Morgana is out there right now, planning something and he’s had the idiocy to send one of his best knights to find out the identity of my dead father.

“Sometimes I think you were right about nobles. I’m starting to wonder myself why I spend so much time of my life convincing people that Arthur’s going to be the greatest king in all of Albion. It’s not like the ones that are trying to kill him ever believed me anyway. And the ones that do believe me leave Camelot within a week because otherwise they’d be executed.

“The only reason we managed to get you back was because Uther was too shell-shocked by Morgana’s betrayal, which really was the most obvious thing coming considering the amount of times she smirked when before she would’ve protested. Lancelot believed in Arthur quickly enough, but then he had to go banish himself twice and then sacrifice himself to close that rift even though I explicitly told him that it was my duty. I didn’t come back from being mortally wounded by a Dorocha just to watch one of my best friends die.”

Merlin takes a breath to continue his rant, but Gwaine covers his mouth.

“Merlin, how long have you been keeping this all bottled up?”

Merlin shakes his head and backs away. “I did it again. I’ve got to stop this!”

I shouldn’t be here. I should never have asked Gwaine to do this. But it’s too late now. I can’t tell Merlin I was here. I’ve got to wait for them to leave. Please Gwaine, if you were going to disobey an order, now’s the time. I don’t care who his father is anymore. Well, I do, but it’s not worth it if he finds out how I knew.

“Merlin, maybe it’s best that it’s out. Keeping that much to yourself isn’t good for anyone.” Gwaine pulls Merlin into a tight hug. Please go to a tavern now. Please. “If you want to just talk, I’ve got the rest of the day off. Well, not really, but Princess can deal with a missing knight for today.”

Talk somewhere else. Go.

Merlin relaxes and breaks away from the hug calmly. He smiles. “Still want to know about my father?” Gwaine nods. I silently sink to the floor. “My father wasn’t a noble like you and your family, at least I don’t know if he was. That’s the problem with all records of him being destroyed.”

Wait. Gwaine’s from a noble family?

Gwaine looks like he’s only now regretting letting me overhear this. Serves him right for not leaving. “What was he lord of then?”

Merlin somehow manages to look at everything in the room except Gwaine. “Dragons.”

“Dragons?”

“Yeah, my father was a dragonlord.”

But the only living one was...

“Is that why you’ve got that carved dragon in your room?”

Merlin smiles. “Balinor made that for me the night I told him he was my father.” His smile fades. “Then the next day he took a sword for me.”

“Why’d you never say?”

Why did you hide your tears?

“Because Uther tricked my father into doing a terrible thing. He hunted Balinor across the border to Ealdor. Then Uther drove him from there too. I couldn’t even tell Arthur about him because Uther considered being a dragonlord too close to magic. The gift is passed from father to son on the father’s death. I had no choice in it.”

Merlin’s a dragonlord. He must’ve been the one to kill the Great Dragon, yet he lied and let me take the credit.

“Did Lancelot know?” Gwaine asks.

Merlin sighs. “Yeah, he found out.”

Of course he did.

“It must’ve hurt to have someone who knew die twice.”

“That wasn’t Lancelot!” Merlin jumps at his own volume. “That wasn’t Lancelot,” he repeats softly.

“What do you mean? Of course it-.”

“No, that was a shade created by Morgana to stop Gwen from becoming Queen. It wasn’t him. Lancelot would never do that.”

This is ridiculous.

Gwaine puts his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. “How do you know?”

“When he came back, Lancelot, he didn’t know about me. He didn’t remember my secret. Don’t give me that look. I’m not that self-centred; I got more evidence. I told Gaius about it and we set up a trap to figure it out. We discovered that Lancelot was a shade, brought back to life by Morgana.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because nobody would’ve believed me. They were blindsided by him; I was blindsided by him. It wouldn’t have mattered what I said, even after we found out that Gwen had been enchanted to do what she did. Arthur was so _angry_. He would’ve thrown me out of Camelot. He threatened as much when I tried to make him see reason before I knew about Gwen’s enchantment. My only real proof after Lancelot died was that he didn’t know my secret. Like that would’ve gone over well.”

He’s right. I hate that. Why does he have to be right?

“Why can’t you tell him now?” Gwaine asks. “Doesn’t he deserve to know?”

Doesn’t Guinevere deserve to shed that guilt?

Merlin sighs. “Arthur deserves to know a lot of things. That just makes it harder to keep them from him.”

“But-.”

“Gwaine, if Arthur knew everything there was to know about me, if he knew everything that I have done, if anyone knew, they would never forgive me. Arthur would hate me. He’s been betrayed by too many people close to him. Don’t get me wrong; I would never intentionally hurt Arthur. But I can’t protect him if he loses his trust in me. I’ve already failed my one other purpose in life. I can’t fail protecting Arthur too. Some things are best to stay hidden. That’s the first lesson I ever learned.” Merlin smiles. “Thanks for the talk; let’s never do that again. It’s better for everyone involved if I’m the one listening.”

Merlin strides out of the guest chamber and leaves Gwaine staring blankly after him.

I storm out from behind the screen and grab him by the tunic. “Why didn’t you just leave? Why did you have to follow my order?”

Gwaine sighs. “Because you needed to know. That’s why you haven’t dropped this yet. And I get that. Seeing Merlin like this, finally seeing him openly honest, however bitter that may be, it’s better for him. We both know it.” He easily breaks out of my hold and locks his sad eyes on me. “Which is why you’re not going to stop until you get to the end of this. But never, never ask that of me again.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“And nobody else, Arthur. If you want answers from him, you ask him yourself or you don’t at all. Don’t make anyone else choose between the two of you again.”

I just nod. Gwaine must accept that because he leaves without another word.

_“If you ever put me in that position again, I’ll clap you in irons myself.”_

I understand, Gwaine. And now, I think I understand exactly why Merlin’s been keeping so much from me. He kept telling me to pay attention. I kept forgetting what others had said. But how could I forget what I told Merlin? I practically ordered him to keep secrets from me. Well, it’s about time I take that order back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin's considering the pros and cons of wiping out the last week of everyone's memories in Camelot.


	5. Once and Future Prat

Merlin’s been calmer than ever while serving me all week. I can’t stand it. He’s almost back to normal after his talk with Gwaine. I can’t tell if it’s faked or if he’s genuinely more relaxed. I’ve got to tell him that I know, don’t I? I’ve searched the records for any trace of Balinor. I thought if I could just find something to give to Merlin, something new that he could learn about his father, it might make him less angry at me. But there’s nothing. My father had every trace of the man destroyed.

I considered asking Gaius, but I can’t face his disappointment at what I did. I haven’t even told Guinevere about what I learned. She deserves to know. All this time, she’s been innocent and yet I haven’t told her. I didn’t believe her then and I can’t face her with the truth now. What if she never forgives me? If I continue to keep it from her, now that I know, won’t it be even worse? I’ll tell her once I’ve sorted out this Merlin mess. I swear it.

The only thing I’ve managed to do is made sure it’s legal to be a dragonlord. And if it wasn’t already legal, I would’ve changed it. Merlin said he had no choice in the matter. I believe him. Nobody should be prosecuted for something they had no choice in. I can’t exactly go up to Merlin and say it’s okay to be a dragonlord. He’ll know. Or worse, he’ll think that Gwaine told me. That’s the problem here. If I tell Merlin that I was there, I’ll ruin two friendships, maybe even three. But I can’t keep this in any longer.

Secrets just aren’t my thing.

*

We’re investigating rumours of Morgana in the area, when I pull Gwaine aside.

“I want to tell him,” I whisper.

Gwaine glances at Merlin. “Don’t let me stop you, your majesty. But if he storms off, I’ll follow him. I’m sure you can do without one knight for the rest of the mission.”

“You wouldn’t be punished if you did.”

“Good luck.”

I don’t deserve it.

*

“Merlin, we need to talk.”

“Can it wait, sire? I’m a little busy,” he says, trying to get the campfire started.

“It’s been long enough.”

“Well surely you can wait five more minutes before you try interrogating me again.”      

I sigh. “Sir Elyan, get the fire started. Sir Percival, take over the food preparation. Merlin, come with me.”

Merlin grumbles under his breath, but follows my order. “What’s so urgent then, _sire_?”

“I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”

“Yes, well, if I can just go back then-.”

“No. I didn’t mean just now.” I fix my gaze on him. “I ordered Sir Gwaine to ask about your father while I was hidden in the guest chamber. It’s not his fault for following an order. I take full responsibility for-.”

“Don’t.” Merlin’s voice is cold as stone. He raises himself to his full height and glares down at me. “Why?”

“I just wanted to know a name. So I asked Gwaine-.”

“Not that. I know why you acted like a royal prat and used Gwaine to get past my defences. I want to know why you’re apologising. You’re the King of Camelot. You don’t do apologies unless it’s a matter of life and death. So, why me?”

I sigh. “I realised that I shouldn’t have been there to hear what was said.”

Merlin steps back, fear dancing in his eyes. “Are you going to banish me? Is that why you waited until we were outside of Camelot? Are you sorry you found out?”

“No! I’m sorry I found out the way I did. I am certainly not going to punish you for it.”

“But I’m a dragonlord.”

“I’m aware.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Disbelief rings through his voice.

“Of course I am. It’s legal in Camelot.”

He tilts his head, a little of the usual Merlin returning. “You checked?”

“Well I had to check that I didn’t have to suddenly change any laws for my manservant, yes.”

“You would change a law for me?” The tiniest spark of hope shows in his smile. “Even after I kept it from you?”

“You said yourself that you had no choice in it.”

“I would’ve chosen it if there was.”

“What?”

Merlin locks his eyes on mine. “I said that I would’ve chosen it if there was a choice. After Balinor died, our only hope was a dragonlord. If I had a choice to reject the gift, I wouldn’t have.”

“And now? Now that there are no more dragons, would you choose to lose it if you could and I asked you?”

“No, but that’s because dragonkind is not as extinct as most people think. There are still two that obey my command.”

Normally I’d scoff at the idea of Merlin commanding anything, but the way he holds himself and the seriousness of his tone stops me.

It doesn’t all add up yet, though. And I have to know.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” I ask. “There’s something big, bigger than being a dragonlord. It’s what’s connecting everything. The one thing you won’t tell me.”

Merlin rubs his eyes. He looks tired, so damn tired. “The thing is Arthur, I’ve already told you. I shouted it out in front of you and your father.” He laughs. “But you didn’t believe me. I guess that’s why it’s been so easy to keep it from you. The decision to not tell you is the hard part, but actually keeping these things secret... Well, you’d know by now if you ever took me seriously before that little incident in the tavern. Who am I kidding? You still don’t think of me as anywhere near your equal. Otherwise you would’ve been fine with all the secrets you got and you’d respect that I don’t have to share everything with you.”

“I’m the king.”

“That’s the problem.” Merlin sighs. “I am grateful though, that you’re okay with everything else. Maybe someday I can introduce you to a dragon that isn’t trying to kill you.”

“Just not near the citadel.”

“I’m not actually an idiot, you know,” he says, a semblance of his usual grin returning as he goes back to his duties.

I know. I’ve known for a while now. Who am I kidding? I’ve always known that he isn’t an idiot, ridiculously loyal sometimes and extraordinarily clumsy, but not an idiot.

“Sire?” I turn to see Mordred shifting from foot to foot. “Is everything alright?” He glances from Merlin to me.

That’s another thing I never got the answer to. “Actually, Mordred, I was wondering if you could remind me how we first met. I’ve come to the realisation that there are some things of importance that I should be remembering.”

“Merlin hasn’t told you?”

“No, he was insistent that if I couldn’t remember, then I should ask you. All he said was that you were a child at the time.” I sit on a log and gesture to the one across from me.

Mordred sits. “Four people saved my life that week, sire. Merlin was the first. Then the Lady Morgana and Queen Guinevere. You were the last. I was a druid, coming to Camelot with my father for supplies. We got betrayed and the guards caught my father. Merlin saved me from the guards. He took me to Lady Morgana because he didn’t think the guards would look there.”

“But we did,” I remember. “You were the druid boy I snuck out of Camelot. I had no idea that Merlin was the one who helped you first.”

“Lady Morgana was worried that Merlin would be in more trouble than her. She was so good back then. I think it was our closeness that makes Merlin distrust me, but I assure you that I saw what Morgana became in Ismere. She isn’t the same person who helped me all those years ago.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier? Druids are no longer prosecuted in Camelot. You would’ve faced no punishment.”

Mordred looks at the ground. “When you didn’t recognise me, I realised that I had a chance to prove myself for who I am now, not who I was. Unfortunately, Merlin knew who I was instantly and I’m afraid he’s become too accustomed to spotting traitors in Camelot. I don’t blame him for it. I’m sure he’ll see soon enough where my loyalties lie.” He raises his head. “To the druids, you are known as the Once and Future King. You’re destined to unite all of Albion alongside Emrys.”

“I’ve heard that before, not the Emrys part, but everything else. Merlin’s told me.”

“He’s the greatest believer in the Once and Future King, more so than even the druids.”

“So that’s not it then,” I mumble.

“Pardon?”

“Merlin isn’t a druid then. I suppose he doesn’t have a mark.” I smile. “Do you have a mark? Is that why you never remove your tunic like the rest of these knights?”

Mordred studies his sword. “Yes.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry, Sir Mordred. If any confront you about your mark, they’ll have me to answer to.”

“Thank you, sire.”

I nod. Surely Merlin can see that Mordred’s just trying to prove himself like we all did when we were his age. I guess he is particularly uneasy when it comes to Morgana because of the whole Aithusa situation though. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll convince him of Mordred’s true character yet. It’ll probably be easier than getting him to spill the rest of his secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin would've been more angry about the whole using Gwaine thing if he wasn't worried about being banished (then relieved that he wasn't) at the the time. 
> 
> This is the end of the daily updates for a few days (which is why I've double updated today). I'm going to be away from the internet for most of the week, but I should be back with chapter 6 on either the 6th or 7th (depending on timezone).


	6. The Puzzle that is Merlin

Everything in the castle is annoyingly normal. I asked Merlin if it was alright to tell people about his being a dragonlord and he just stared blankly at me, shook his head and mumbled something about idiotic prats. But he didn’t protest when I blatantly asked questions about Balinor or dragons in public. Nobody batted an eye. Apparently if the King of Camelot doesn’t make a fuss about his manservant being able to control dragons, then nobody else will either. I just hope that’s out of respect of my authority and not out of fear like with my father.

When did I start striving to be so different from him?

Actually, that I do remember. It was around the exact moment a certain peasant scolded me for mistreating a servant. The same peasant who happens to have a dragonlord for a father, is hated more by Morgana than even me, has a young daughter in her care, blatantly insults his king, somehow manages to say the right thing when I’ve lost all hope and will do absolutely anything to protect his friends.

I mean he drank poison for me, tried to do it a second time, forged a seal of nobility for Lancelot, regularly drags Gwaine out of the tavern when he gets into one of his darker moods, recognised when Elyan was possessed by that druid spirit, defended Gaius against me and Agravaine when he was kidnapped, and proclaimed himself a sorcerer in front of my father of all people in an attempt to save Guinevere. Who in their right mind would lie about something like that for a friend he’d only known for a few weeks?

Even Merlin wouldn’t do something that monumentally stupid when there were other, less ludicrous ways, to save her life. The only reason he could have possibly have thought it was a good idea is if he really did heal her father and was feeling guilty over her taking the blame for it.

Oh.

That’s exactly something Merlin would do, isn’t it? I am such an idiot. Of course Merlin has magic. It’s been staring at me this whole time. He admitted it to try and save Guinevere’s life, then I refused to believe it. He tried to tell me in Ealdor, but Morgana interrupted our conversation. He’s been having nightmares about the pyre since he got to Camelot and watched so many burn for simple enchantments. How has he lasted this long without breaking down? How has he lasted almost ten years fearing that every day would be his last? How hasn’t he snapped and killed me yet? It’d be so simple for him, wouldn’t it?

But that’s not Merlin. Magic or not, that’s not Merlin.

He’s the man who cries over unicorns. He’s the man that risks execution on a daily basis to save his friends and his kingdom. He’s the man who shoulders his burdens alone because the one man who could lift the laws, who could ease that weight, is blind, was blind. Not anymore. I know who Merlin is and, sorcerer or not, he is the same man I’ve always known. Magic cannot be wholly evil because Merlin is good. He may hide his secrets far, far away from sight, but the man wears his heart on his sleeve and that heart is good and noble.

How can I be angry at him? I’ve gone behind his back to learn his secrets and he’s still here, still loyal, still protecting me. All those times that he claimed to save my life, he wasn’t joking, was he? I need to know the rest. I need to know about it all; the good, the bad and everything in between. I need him to know that I finally see what links every lie, every half-truth, everything that is Merlin, together. And that I’m not going to punish him for it.

How can I, when he told me all those years ago and I underestimated him too much to believe it?

*

I open the door to Merlin’s room and frown at the mess. One would think that a man with magic, presumably powerful magic considering the amount of people he thinks he failed, would use just a little of it to, I don’t know, put his clothes into his wardrobe or anywhere really that isn’t the floor. Then again, Merlin could always do that with his own hands if he didn’t want to break the law over such a trivial thing. Who am I kidding? Merlin probably cleans my armour using magic.

“Arthur? What are you doing here?”

I sit on the stairs. “Looking for you.”

“But I was cleaning out the stables, like you asked.”

I forgot about that. It does explain why he looks more dishevelled than normal.

“Well clean yourself up and come sit down. I figured something out and have a few more questions for you.”

Merlin groans. “Of course you do.”

“And not to worry. I won’t be punishing you in any capacity for it, even though this time I’m very sure that the law isn’t on your side.”

That seems to make Merlin worry. He practically leaps up the stairs and closes his door behind him. Within two minutes, he hesitantly walks out of his room, and at my insistence, sits next to me on the stairs. I give Merlin the opportunity to speak first, but he seems torn between bolting and staying to find out what exactly I know. Maybe he’s even forming some excuses to deny whatever I say. But I won’t let him. The time for secrets and lies has passed. If he can’t be honest with me right now, like he has been of late, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him. And I need to trust him.

“I remembered what you shouted to my father and I,” I say slowly, trying not to spook him. “You told us that you were the sorcerer who saved Guinevere’s father from the water sickness.”

Merlin sinks into himself. “I did say that.”

“You were telling the truth then, weren’t you? You’re a sorcerer?”

Merlin stares blankly ahead. “I am,” he whispers, seeming to force the answer out.

“There were times when you almost told me, weren’t there?”

“There were.” His voice is a little stronger.

“But you couldn’t because you were afraid of what I’d do, of what I’d say, of me.”

“I wasn’t afraid of you!” Merlin looks at me directly now, tears forming in his eyes. “I was afraid of your father, of you choosing him over me, or worse, risking your claim to the throne by choosing me and hating me for it. I couldn’t make you choose like that. And then after, after he was killed, you became so set against magic. If I had told you then, you would’ve sent me to the pyre yourself or had me banished. What was I supposed to do but keep lying to my best friend, the man I swore to protect no matter what happened?”

I flinch at the desperation in his voice. “I meant it before. You won’t be punished.”

“You don’t even know what I’ve done yet. You’ve probably got it in your head that I’m just as bad with magic as I am with a sword. You’d be wrong. I was born with magic. When I use it, it’s instinctual. Spells help, but they’re nothing compared to my raw power. I am the most powerful sorcerer to ever live. You wouldn’t be pardoning an innocent who occasionally dabbles in magic. You’d be allowing the man who rivals Morgana in power, who easily defeated the High Priestesses, Nimueh and Morgause, to continue living in the heart of Camelot. And there is so much that I’ve done for Camelot, for you, that goes against every code of honour you hold so dear. I use magic, Arthur. I’m the monster you were taught about as a child.”

_“Today, I don’t want to be Merlin.”_

How long? How long has he been translating this hatred for magic in Camelot to hatred for him as a person? How many others have suffered, are suffering, just like this?

“No.” I meet his wide eyes. “You are not a monster. You are Merlin. You’re my terrible manservant, my best friend and a good person. We’ve all done things that we regret. I slaughtered innocents to gain my father’s affection. I’ve turned a blind eye to the suffering of my people, to those being murdered for having magic, while claiming to be King of a fair and just kingdom for all. I can see that now. Magic couldn’t possibly be pure evil.” I take a breath. “My father was wrong. I was wrong. And I need you to help me make it right. I need you to teach me about the things I’ve been blind to, that I’ve refused to see. I need you to be honest with me from now on. Please.”

Merlin is still for a moment, before he slowly nods. “You’ve got questions, then?”

“You said that if Morgana knew everything about you, she’d hate you even more. I thought she championed magic-users.”

He sighs. “I was the first she told about her magic. I tried everything to keep her from being scared out of her mind from living in Camelot under such a close watch from Uther. But I never told her the one thing that could’ve truly helped. I never let her know that she wasn’t alone in Camelot. I took her to the druids and kept her magic secret, but that wasn’t enough. So when Morgause came along... Morgana made her choice and I poisoned her for it. At the time, it seemed like the only option. But it hardened her heart against me, you, Gwen and all of Camelot. I’m the reason she’s like this.”

I shake my head. “Her actions were her own. You didn’t make her do any of it. She had her choices and she chose wrong, every single time.”

“You don’t understand! Fear drives Morgana; it always has. First it was fear of her nightmares, then of Uther, but once he was gone, do you know the one thing she was scared of, the one person she’s been terrified of after all this time, after gaining all that power? Me. I don’t even know why, but she fears the name Emrys. My name, at least according to the-.”

“Druids. I know. Mordred told me about the prophecy.”

“He told you I was Emrys?” Merlin snaps.

“No. I didn’t know he knew.”

Merlin relaxes a little. “Mordred was the first one to call me Emrys. He still refuses to call me by my actual name in mind speech.”

“Mind speech?”

“It’s a druid thing,” he says, then frowns. “And a dragon thing, actually.”

“You don’t like it?”

“It’s ... unnerving. It’s a lot harder to ignore someone yelling in your head than someone yelling that you can walk away from.”

I ignore the subtle jab at me. “Dragons yell at you? I thought you were a dragonlord. Can’t you just tell them to shut up?”

“That was before my father died. I had no idea that one day I’d be able to tell Kilgharrah to leave me alone.”

One of the dragons is called Kilgharrah and Merlin... Wait a moment.

“You met a dragon before the Great Dragon was released?” The flash of guilt in his face confirms it. “You released the Great Dragon, didn’t you? Of course you did.”

Merlin hangs his head. “Kilgharrah, he manipulated me. I’m not saying it wasn’t my fault; I take the blame. I was a naïve idiot who relied too much on a very angry dragon that was just itching to take his rage out on Uther for being made to watch his kind be slaughtered and then trapped in a cavern for over twenty years. I asked for his help one too many times and he made me swear on my mother’s life to release him. All those deaths, Balinor’s included, they’re on me. I’ll take whatever punishment you see fit.”

I shove him down the stairs, grab him by the neckerchief and pull him to his feet.

“That’s enough,” I say lowly. “You carry that guilt and do everything that you can to protect Camelot. That’s your punishment, are we clear?”

“I let him live,” Merlin whispers. “I ordered him to never attack Camelot again, but I let him live. I couldn’t kill him. He was the last of his kind, just like me. I couldn’t-.”

“Are we clear, Merlin?”

He nods. “Yes, sire.”

“Good.” I return to my spot on the stairs. Merlin takes the unsaid message and drops back next to me. There’s one thing that I need to know, one question that’s been sitting in the back of my mind since I figured out his secret, one thing I just can’t understand. “Why did you tell me to reject magic?”

Merlin stiffens. “I can’t answer that.”

“Merlin, I know your biggest secret. What else could there possibly be?”

“If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Of course I would.”

“No, Arthur. Until I find a way for you to know for sure that it’s the truth, I can’t tell you.”

“But you do want magic restored? You do want it legal?”

“Almost more than anything.”

“Almost? What’s more important to you?”

Merlin smiles tiredly. “I’ve already told you. I don’t blame you for forgetting though. You’ve learned so much recently; it’d be overwhelming for anyone.”

“I’m not overwhelmed!”

“You aren’t even angry with me, Arthur. I’m sure when it finally hits you, you will be. I just hope you’ll use your head when it does.”

I sigh. “I’m sure that the only thing I’ll feel once you’ve told me everything is gratitude. You’ll have a good reason for every lie.”     

“And if I don’t? If you suddenly decide that you’ve had enough, that what I’ve done is simply too much? Will you go back on your word and banish me from Camelot? Will your anger send me to the pyre? How could you possibly know that something like that won’t happen, Arthur? How?”

“Because despite everything, Merlin, I know you and I know that you would only do what you thought was right at the time. And I can hardly blame you for that when you’re the same man who told the Prince of Camelot that he was a royal ass when nobody else had the courage to do the same.”

Merlin seems to accept that and finally relaxes completely for the first time since he found me here this afternoon. I move onto lighter topics, like the chores I suspect magic had a part in, which lets us fall into our usual back-and-forth.

Merlin is a sorcerer. He released the Great Dragon, Kilgharrah. He’s a dragonlord. I won’t punish him for it. And once I find out why he protested it, I’m finally going to change the law my father built most his rule on. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again; nobody should be prosecuted for something they had no choice over, least of all Merlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arthur figuring it out made the most sense for this fic, considering Merlin's tavern rant. I considered having Arthur punching Merlin for the whole releasing Kilgharrah thing, but he's spent the past couple of weeks worrying over Merlin's mental health so it didn't fit.


	7. Aithusa's Choice

One would think that having your king and closest friend know about your magic would, I don’t know, make one more prone to using magic in front of said king. But then again, Merlin has always been an idiot. He doesn’t seem to get that he’s allowed to use and talk about his magic in my presence. I’ve walked into his and Gaius’ chambers five times this week only to have them abruptly stop talking about whatever they were discussing. It’s amazing that I didn’t notice how much they change their topic once I’m within earshot.

It’s a perfectly natural reaction for me then to drag Merlin outside the castle for an impromptu hunting trip, half to make him suffer a little and half to get him to relax. I didn’t even bring any knights even though I really wanted to tell them about Merlin’s magic. I’ve kept myself from telling Guinevere at his request. I stopped asking him questions about it after he snapped for not leaving him alone. I haven’t been acting like a king at all. Merlin still has the audacity to stare at me angrily while he’s trying to start the campfire without the flint that I might have accidentally stolen in a bid to make him use magic in front of me.

He can’t prove it.

“What’s the hold up?” I ask.

Merlin frowns. “Hand it over, Arthur.”

“Hand what over? We’re going to freeze out here if you don’t hurry up and start the fire, Merlin.”

“I can’t start the fire until you hand it over.”

“I’ve already told you that you’re exempt from a certain Camelot law. So start the fire already.”

Merlin grips a rock and looks like he’s close to throwing it at me, but he tosses it into the fire and mutters something under his breath. His eyes flash gold, the rock turns bright red and the campfire catches alight.

“That wasn’t so hard, was it, _Mer_ lin?”

He shakes his head. “That’s the first time I’ve used magic in front of you and your response is to mock me. Of course it is.”

“I’ve been waiting for you to do some sort of magic for a week. You claimed to be the greatest sorcerer to ever live and share some sort of destiny with me, which frankly I find utterly ridiculous, but you’ve been acting exactly the same as usual.”

“How do you expect me to act? Do you want me throwing your clothes around and filling your bathtub with a flick of my hand? Do you want me sending bandits flying and snapping assassins’ necks with a mere thought? Do you want me utterly disregarding the law you claimed to care about for years and have suddenly decided to turn your back on in front of all of Camelot? What did you honestly expect to happen, Arthur?

“I will not have your kingdom think you a hypocrite for allowing your manservant of all people to blatantly use magic in front of you. As long as the laws remain the same, I will not start acting differently, and even when they are, I might have to hide my magic so people don’t think I’ve enchanted you. There will never be a day when I can claim credit for everything that I’ve done without minimalizing your achievements. I may know just how big a role you’ve played in carving out your own path, but the second the people know that I had a bigger part in it than they first thought, they’ll find a way to undermine just how much you’ve done. I came to terms with this years ago. So don’t expect me to suddenly shed my usual way of acting in the shadows just because you know a little of what I can do.”

“Then just tell me everything. Tell me what you’ve done and what you’ve faced. At least take credit from me. I may not be able to officially recognise your achievements, but I can know them and ensure that any future ones are known.”

Merlin sits against a tree. “You don’t really want to know everything, Arthur. Isn’t it enough that you know about my magic? About my destiny being stuck to yours? Isn’t it enough to know that I’ve stuck around because I believe in the king that you can be?”

“That’s not your decision to make.” I sit across the fire from him. “I know that you won’t tell me anything until you feel you have to. You don’t trust me w-.”

“That’s not true.”

“You don’t trust me with your mistakes, even though I trust you with mine. I want to force you to just tell me already, but a certain someone has taught me to not abuse my power, so I won’t. I’ll keep asking of course. I just don’t expect an answer, even though I still can’t understand why you don’t want magic to be legal in Camelot.”

Merlin shakes his head. “I do want that.”

“Then why-?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“When will you?”

Merlin studies the fire. “I’m not sure yet. I’ve been researching a spell that forces someone to tell the truth, but I need to find something simple enough for a neutral party to cast.”

“Why not just find one that you can cast or better yet just tell me?”

“Because you need to know that I’m telling the truth. There have been plenty of complex ones that I could easily cast, but they don't work on the caster. And the ones that I could get G- someone else to cast only indicate to the caster when someone’s lying. There needs to be something that directly tells you when I’m telling the truth. I tried enchanted objects but most were destroyed in your father’s reign. The ones in the vaults don’t work.”

I process that. “You snuck into the vaults?”

“I copied your keys years ago after having to steal them one too many times.”

“Having two sets of keys destroys the security of the castle!”

Merlin rolls his eyes. “I enchanted my copy to burn anyone but me who touches them, and if you want to talk about castle security, then you should have a chat with the guards that I’ve been sneaking past for years. I swear they’re blinder than you most the time.”

“I think I preferred it when you lied to my face,” I mutter.

“I didn’t.”

I open my mouth to say something to that, but immediately shut it as a burst of flame appears from the sky and swoops towards me. Merlin throws his hand up and shouts something, creating an invisible shield against the flames. The source of the flames swoops overhead and Merlin swears loudly. His eyes flash gold and our attacker crashes into the ground. The dust clears, revealing a small white dragon staring at us.

“AITHUSA!” Merlin strides towards the dragon, growling something unintelligible. The dragon bows its head and backs away, cowering before the oddly powerful man before it. “Do _not_ attack me, again. If you so much as think about it, I’ll order you into acting like a butterfly for twenty years.”

“Aithusa? As in your daughter, Aithusa? She’s a dragon?”

The darkness in Merlin’s expression fades, but his eyes stay fixed on her. “Yes, this is Aithusa. I hatched her from her egg shortly after you became King.”

“The same egg that you claimed was destroyed?”

“She was said to be a good omen for your reign. Then I lost her and now...” His voice breaks. “Now, look at her.”

I follow his gaze. Oh. I’d forgotten when he told us that she’d suffered while she’d been missing. Her wings are pressed closely to her body and they seem oddly bent. She limps towards Merlin’s open hand with her head bowed low to the ground. Her scales are lacklustre, but there’s an odd shine to them, like the white used to be dazzling and bright. There are even some scales missing, which Merlin gently strokes. He looks back to me.

“Can I heal her?”

I find myself breathless. “Why are you asking?”

“She just tried to kill you, Arthur. It only seems fair.”

Right. “Do whatever you can.”

Merlin frowns as he looks back to Aithusa. “I wish that was a lot, but... I’ve never been good at healing or at being a dragonlord.” He crouches in front of her and rests his head against hers. “I’m so sorry, Aithusa. I should’ve noticed that you were gone. I should never have left you with Kilgharrah. I had a duty to protect you, to raise you, and I failed that. I wish I could fix my mistakes, but there are just so many.”

His eyes flash gold and he mumbles a series of unintelligible words. There’s an odd familiarity to them, like the incantations I’ve heard from others with magic. It’s the language of the Old Religion, isn’t it? Does that mean, with the dragon-tongue, that Merlin’s fluent in three languages? Most peasants can’t read and write. Then again, Merlin’s never been like most peasants. And if dragonlords ever did have land, then he wouldn’t even be a peasant.

Merlin groans.

“What is it?”

He pulls away from Aithusa. “Kilgharrah would know exactly how to heal her, but he’s still annoyed that she helped Morgana. I hate having to order either of them because it’s taking their free will away, but I might have to order him to help. If I leave her wounds untreated for even longer, then she might lose the ability to fly when she gets bigger.”

 “Why would a dragon that attacked Camelot hate Morgana so much?”

“Because he’s been telling me since the day I found out about Morgana’s magic that she’ll end up evil. I never believed him. Once I even ordered him to help me heal her after I accidentally made her fall down the stairs. He was furious with me for weeks. If I had just listened to Kilgharrah and let her die, then none of this would’ve happened. I knew she was evil then. I knew she was in league with Morgause. I just couldn’t bare to watch you all lose her. Not letting her die is one of my biggest mistakes.”

Aithusa growls. Merlin whips his head around and jumps to his feet.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Merlin clenches his fists. “Aithusa bonded with Morgana, remember? She’s angry over what I said.” He drops his voice. “What did Morgana send you here to do?”

Aithusa snarls at me.

“She wants you to kill Arthur?”

Aithusa nods.

“And what do you want?”

Aithusa looks back at Merlin. If it was possible for a dragon’s expression to be confused, I’m pretty sure hers would be.

“Do you want to destroy all hope for the Golden Age of Albion? Do you want to kill the Once and Future King, your king? Do you want to follow Morgana’s orders even though they will bring destruction to the kingdom, even though she wants me dead?”

Aithusa lowers her head. She whimpers.

“I know you care about her. I used to care about Morgana dearly myself, but I can’t anymore. Not after what she’s become. I know that someday I’ll have to kill her.”

Aithusa growls.

“I don’t want to!” Merlin kneels in front of her. “But I’m the only one with the power to do it. I can’t bring her back into the light, not anymore. I don’t know what happened to the two of you to give you such a close connection, Aithusa. Perhaps Morgana truly cares about you, but if, no when she finds out that I’m your dragonlord, that I hatched you, she will be blinded by her hatred and fear. I don’t want to see you become an instrument to hurt me. I could order you to never see her again.”

Aithusa snarls.

“I could easily do it, but I won’t. I’ll give you a choice instead, Aithusa. You could stay with me and I’ll do everything in my power to heal you completely, or you could return to Morgana and forsake your right to be a beacon of hope for Albion’s future. You would be choosing to side against me, your kin, and I’d be forced to fight against you to protect my friends and my home. I don’t want that, but if you truly care for her more than me, then I’ll let you go. Just don’t expect me to go easy on you should we face each other in a fight once more.”

Aithusa raises her head, seeming to accept the terms, before moving to the other side of the clearing and burning individual blades of grass.

“Is that smart, giving the decision to a child, a dragon child, but still a child?” I ask.

Merlin sighs. “No, but it’s the right thing to do and that tends to risk losing what I want these days.” He laughs. “Who am I kidding? That means risking what I want every day.”

“Mer-.”

“Don’t. You should know by now that destiny rarely cares about what you want. It gives you the bare necessity of what you need and sometimes not even that.”

It wasn’t destiny that gave me what I need. I’m pretty sure it was him taking care of the burden so I didn’t feel it all, but who was helping him with his? I just don’t know if Merlin would believe me if I said anything. He seems so focussed on what everyone else wants that he’s given up on what he wants. Does he even know what that is anymore? I can’t imagine another reason he’d prevent the legalisation of magic.

“So how do we know when Aithusa’s made her decision?”

Merlin smiles. “I never thought I’d hear the day that you call a dragon by their name.”

“Just answer the question.”

“I figured if she chose to side with Morgana that she’d leave.”

“But how do we know if she’s staying because she chose you or because she’s still deciding?”

Merlin frowns and turns to Aithusa. “If you choose Morgana then leave; if you choose me then come stand next to me.”

She nods and turns back to her small patch of burnt grass.

“Honestly Merlin, why did anyone ever think giving you responsibility for a baby dragon was a good idea?”

“I’m pretty sure Kilgharrah was the only one, but even he was doubtful. I guess I could’ve raised her better if I could’ve brought her to Camelot with me.”

Wait a moment. “You said your daughter had magic and that’s why she couldn’t be in Camelot. You were lying then, even while sounding so honest.”

“Technically I wasn’t. I never said she had magic, just that Aithusa couldn’t be in Camelot because magic is outlawed. She’s a creature of magic. Plus the knights would’ve tried to hurt her if they saw her. They wouldn’t be able to, of course, but I didn’t want Aithusa to grow to resent humans like Kilgharrah did.”

“What about the consequences for you? How can you be so worried over how a dragon might feel in a situation where you would’ve been...?”

“Executed? Face it; before you started on this little quest to learn all my secrets, you wouldn’t have dared oppose your council when they called for my head. Sorry, it’s a magic related crime, so it’d be the pyre wouldn’t it?”

“I would never have you executed, Merlin. Not while I am King. Not even when I was just a prince. I would’ve fought anyone who suggested it and if all else failed, smuggled you out of Camelot myself.”

Merlin sighs. “There was a day I would’ve believed that. But there was also a day I believed that you would never have considered Gaius a potential traitor. Don’t make that face, Arthur. It’s not like I’m scared of the pyre itself these days. I’ve faced it before and gotten away. These days I’m more afraid of not being able to save you and Camelot from the latest disgruntled sorcerer, magical beast, assassin, or plot from Morgana. Getting sentenced to death would just make that harder. It’s not like I can suddenly un-fail my destiny. The Disir already declared it over.”

“How-.”

Aithusa butts her head against Merlin. His eyes light up.

“You choose me?”

She nods.

Merlin grins widely. “I promise I’ll get you to Kilgharrah as soon as possible. I’ve just got to get the royal prat back to his castle first and-.”

“WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING WITH MY DRAGON?”

I draw my sword and point it at the figure entering the clearing.

She tears her glare away from Merlin and smiles at me. “Hello, brother.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried posting this earlier, but then the site went down.


	8. Witch vs Warlock

“Aithusa, go to Kilgharrah,” Merlin says. “I don’t want you to have to watch this.”

I can’t believe I’m actually thinking this, but that’s a wise move from Merlin. Get the dragon away and there won’t be distractions.

Morgana laughs. “Why would she listen to you for? You’re nothing but an impossibly lucky servant who keeps getting in my way.”

“You’d be surprised, Morgana,” I say, striding to Merlin’s side.

He glares at me. “She doesn’t know,” Merlin whispers. “If I make myself known now and she gets away, all her future plans will account for me interfering in my special way.”

“Then we won’t let her get away.”

Merlin sighs. “Aithusa. Don’t make me order you.”

Morgana laughs. Aithusa bows her head and flies away. Morgana stops laughing.

“How is that possible? I’m a H-.”

“We get it!” Merlin shouts. “You can’t be killed by a mortal blade and you can do a lot, but not everything. Me, on the other hand, I’m a dragonlord. And you, Morgana Pendragon, have no right controlling my dragon.”

“A dragonlord? But that’s impossible; there are none left...” Morgana flicks her glare to me. “And you knew, brother? You allow a dragonlord as your manservant? Isn’t that a little close to the magic you wage war on? What would your father say?”

“ _Our_ father’s reign is long over. It has always been legal to be a dragonlord within Camelot. As far as magic’s concerned, I’m looking into changing the laws.” I try to ignore the way Merlin stiffens. “It isn’t right to treat someone differently because of how they were born. At first I thought that was just the case with commoners becoming knights or royalty, but now I know that some were born with magic and have little choice in it.” I soften my tone. “I know that you had little choice in it, Morgana. But you did have a choice in turning to the dark side. You did have a choice in aiding your half-sister in taking over Camelot and later doing it yourself. You did have a choice in killing our father. And you will pay for your crimes.”

“My crimes? At least I didn’t poison my friend out of fear for her magic!”

“That wasn’t why I poisoned you,” Merlin says quietly. “I did what I had to do to stop the sleeping curse. Morgause used you as its focus. It was kill you or let Arthur die and Camelot fall. I am sorry, Morgana, but you were already consumed in your fear of Uther and you tried to kill him too many times. It had nothing to do with your magic and everything to do with your choices. I know I had a part in you leaving the light, but I did keep your magic secret and I did try to get you help with the druids.”

Morgana scoffs. “You mean the druids that the king you’re ever so faithful to then helped slaughter? Those druids?”

“Everyone does things that they regret,” I say, hoping the idiot next to me pays attention to the next part. “What matters is that we regret them in the first place. If we didn’t feel remorse for when we have wronged either one person or many people, then we’d be truly evil.”

“I don’t regret the things I’ve done, brother, because they were right! I was fighting for my people. I was doing what had to be done to end their slaughter. I was sacrificing everything!”

Merlin shakes his head. “You know _nothing_ about sacrifice. All you’ve done is prove to everyone how dangerous magic can be, how helpless they are to someone like you who is only driven by fear and rage. You haven’t helped those with magic; you’ve just made things worse. If it wasn’t for you, magic would already be legal in Camelot. Arthur made a deal with Dragoon, with Emrys, to bring magic back if the warlock saved Uther’s life. But you, you ruined that because you were blinded by hatred. You’re not driven to help those with magic, Morgana. You might have been once, at the start, but now, now you’re just like Uther. You’ll never be magic’s salvation. You’re its doom.”

I don’t see Morgana’s reaction, despite looking straight at her.

Merlin, Emrys, was Dragoon. He was the man who k-, no, who tried to save my father. He’s that old man. He thought he failed my father. Was that how? Merlin tried to save a man who would’ve had him killed without hesitation if he knew what I do. He tried to save the same man who tore his own family apart by hunting Balinor down. And I never knew. I never noticed him making that choice. Did he hesitate? Or was it not even a decision? Was it simply a matter of how and not why?

“I’m not destined to be anything’s doom,” Morgana says. “That’s reserved for Emrys.”

“Is that why you’re scared of him?” I ask. Morgana flinches. I guess she didn’t expect me to know that. “Because he’s destined to be your doom? Is that why you want him dead so badly, like with Guinevere?”

Merlin tears his focus away from Morgana. “What are you talking about?” he asks.

“Morgana here tried to kill Guinevere because she was destined to be Queen. What kind of person tries to kill someone because of something they _might_ do in the future?” I almost miss Merlin’s flinch. “We make our own futures. If we’re destined for greatness, then we strive towards it. If we’re destined for darkness, then we choose a different path, however hard.”

“YOU KNOW NOTHING!”

Morgana’s eyes flash gold. An invisible force slams into me and Merlin, sending us crashing into the ground.

I struggle to my feet. “Come back to Camelot with us, Morgana. Face your crimes. I swear you will receive a fair trial.”

“You would have me executed!”

She sends out her hand. Her eyes flash gold.

“Stop.” Merlin calmly stands. “There’s no need to involve him.”

What are you doing, you idiot?

Morgana shares my look of incredulity. “You’re hardly in a position to make demands, Merlin. You can’t do anything except watch your dear king die.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“We’ll see about that!” Morgana shouts something in the Old Religion. Her eyes flash gold. Nothing happens. Her eyes widen. She tries again. Nothing happens. “No! No! NO! How is this happening again?”

Merlin steps forward. “It’s not the first time I’ve stopped your magic. You should know better by now than to threaten my king.”

Morgana stares at him. “You? This is your doing?” She scoffs. “You’re nothing but-.”

Merlin’s eyes turn gold. “The slayer of griffins, wyverns, the Questing Beast and Nimueh; master of the Cup of Life; defeater of Morgause; the last dragonlord; companion to the Lady of the Lake; Dragoon the Great; hatcher of Aithusa; the warlock prophesised to aid the Once and Future King in creating the Golden Age of Albion; servant to King Arthur Pendragon; and, as you might know me, Emrys.” He grins. “I really do prefer going by Merlin.”

“It’s you,” she barely whispers. “All this time, you’ve been right here, right next to Arthur. How long? How long have you had magic?”

“I was born with it.”

They both throw out their hands. Their eyes flash gold. The invisible forces collide and send out a shockwave, decimating the nearby trees. Morgana throws a fireball. Merlin catches it and sends it back. Morgana slices through it with her hand and it disappears. She shouts in the Old Religion. Merlin mutters something, low and fast. Flames rise up around us, a wall of fire that closes in. Merlin throws his hands to the side. Whirlwinds form in the flames, whipping them into nothingness.

Morgana creates hundreds of tiny fireballs and shoots them at us. Merlin flicks his hand. The fireballs collide into an invisible shield. Morgana starts shouting again. Merlin drops and slams his palm into the ground. Dirt and rock crack apart in a line straight towards Morgana. Her words seem to get clumsy and whatever spell she was casting fails. The crack reaches Morgana and sends her flying into a tree.

She laughs, while standing. “You used that one in Nemeth, didn’t you? I knew it had to be Emrys. That much magic, that much power, could only be the traitor to our kind.”

“I’m not the traitor,” he says lowly, but I’m not sure he believes it.

Morgana doesn’t notice. “It doesn’t matter. Surely now you’ll have no place in your beloved Camelot. After all, you did lie to your king for years, concealing your magic, going behind his back, and betraying him.”

Merlin flinches.

“He didn’t betray me,” I say. “That was all you, Morgana.”

“You really still believe that. I wonder if that will still be true after you learn what he bargained.” Morgana smirks. “It’s no secret to me what Emrys allowed to happen when the Disir gave you your test, brother. He may claim to want magic restored. He may claim to be our kind’s saviour, but he isn’t. He never was. There’s only one thing he cares about. There’s only one thing he’d do anything for. There’s only one thing he’d give up his freedom, all of our freedom, for. You’ll see. All this time I was wondering who would choose that over everything he’d strived towards, his very purpose in this world, but now that I know, I understand perfectly. It’s always been your weakness, Merlin.”

“You know nothing of what I had to choose between.”

Morgana smiles. “I know more than you think.”

Morgana creates a whirlwind around herself, to teleport I think. She shouts something and a fireball soars towards me. I move to dodge, but my feet are stuck. No. I’ve got to move. I’ve got to move. I cover my face. The clearing goes silent. I’m not dead. I lower my hands. The fireball dissipates in front of me. Merlin grins and immediately sags, his eyes back to normal.

“Why’d you let her go?”

Merlin looks at me like the answer is obvious. “Because I had to save you.”

“She knows about your magic now. She’ll attack you directly.”

“I’ll face her then.”

“We. We will face her then.”

“Of course, sire.”

I hate that. I hate that the only time he acts like a proper servant is to escape an argument. I hate that my most loyal protector is a servant in the first place. It needs to change. It all does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The earthquake move in s05e04 was too good not to reuse.


	9. A Meeting of Dragons

I am not going to yell at my manservant. I am not going to yell at my manservant. I am not going to yell at my manse-.

“Just tell me!” I grab Merlin’s arm to stop him from walking away again. “Just tell me why you told me to reject magic.”

“You heard Morgana. You’d hate me for it.”

I scoff. “Since when have you of all people started listening to her? She’s spent years manipulating people. You should know better, Merlin.”

“Should I? Just like I should be able to kill her, to be her doom like I’m destined to be.”

It’s impossible to miss the desperation in his voice.

“You don’t want to kill her. After everything she’s done, you still don’t want to kill her.”

“It’s not that simple!” Merlin tears away from my grip. “If I truly wanted her dead, Arthur, she’d be dead already. It’d be easy to summon enough magic to end her or grab your sword, which isn’t exactly a mortal blade, and run her through. I just-. I don’t like using my magic like that, like it’s nothing but a weapon. Killing someone like that, when it isn’t absolutely necessary, it’d be like … like attacking an unarmed person. It doesn’t give them a chance to defend themselves.”

His gaze is intense, like he’s willing me to understand, but I already do. That’s the problem.

I can’t meet his eyes. “You think she deserves an honourable death.”

“She’s your sister, Arthur. Sending her to be executed in front of the people she’s wronged is one thing, but killing her with a thought in a secluded forest, even Morgana deserves better than that. She was my friend once. I have to respect that. It should be easy to kill her, to finally end her war against Camelot, to let fate play out, but I can’t, not yet.”

“You truly believe you’re fated to kill her?”

Merlin smiles, despite the sadness in his eyes. “I’m sure even I can’t mess up that part of destiny.”

“So earlier today, when we encountered her, were you standing with your head buried in the ground or just not paying attention?”

“What?”

“Because it can’t be that you’ve forgotten, not after weeks of complaining about my memory.”

“Arthur, what are you-.”

“I could’ve sworn that I told Morgana that just because someone is destined to do something, it doesn’t mean that they will.” I clasp his shoulder and hold his gaze. “It doesn’t mean that they have to do it.”

“But who else can do it? Unless you’ve got another greatest sorcerer ever lying around...”

“You said yourself that this isn’t a mortal blade.” I give him the ‘and you’re going to explain that later’ look while letting go of his shoulder. “I’ll kill Morgana myself.”

Merlin stares at me blankly. “You?”

“Any more disbelief in your voice would be treason, Merlin.”

“I’m not saying that I don’t believe you can. A dragon-forged blade would take Morgana out in one blow. I just didn’t think you’d… She’s your sister. And it isn’t like you to kill someone without-.”

“This isn’t like Caerleon. He broke our treaty and our laws, sure, but he doesn’t come close to Morgana. She’s taken countless innocent lives in her crusade for the throne and shattered Camelot the two times she held it. His death meant war. Hers will mean the end of one.” I notice his reluctance and give him a reassuring smile. “Plus, it’s not like I’m ever going to see Morgana without her attacking me. It’d hardly be an honourless execution.”

Merlin smiles. “If you managed to hit her.”

“I’ll show you how hard I can hit!”

“YOUNG WARLOCK.”

I freeze with Merlin in a headlock.

“And Young King too. How interesting. It seems fate has taken a different path after all.” The Great Bloody Dragon lands in front of us, Aithusa next to him. “You are still at a crossroads,” he says. “It appears that the Triple Goddess has given you one last chance to set things onto the path of Albion.”

“Hello, Kilgharrah,” Merlin says, while struggling out of my grip.

I rediscover the ability to move and release Merlin.

“Dragons can speak?” I say.

Merlin chuckles. “How else would he give me terrible advice?”

“Through some magical dragonlord way.”

“I told you that he helped me before I became one,” he points out. “Or were you busy standing with your head buried in the ground?”

I try to grab him into another headlock. He darts out of my reach.

Kilgharrah clears his throat. I didn’t know dragons _could_ clear their throats. I guess it makes sense with all that fire they breathe.

“Why have you summoned me, Merlin?”

Wait. “When did you summon him?” I ask.

“I needed his help with healing Aithusa. Dragon healing magic is infinitely better than mine.”

Kilgharrah scowls, because dragons can scowl; that’s a normal thing. “Are you sure she deserves to be healed? She saved the witch Morgana despite my constant warnings about the Pendragon’s darkness.”

That sounds like it’s half-aimed at Merlin too.

Merlin glares at him. “And you attacked Camelot, almost killing Arthur, the same man you’ve been telling me from the start that I’m supposed to protect. People make mistakes sometimes. Dragons aren’t an exception. Aithusa was still a baby when she made her mistake. How old were you?”

Merlin, maker of beds and chastiser of dragons.

“I will show you how to heal her then. Step forward.” Merlin does. “You should know that while her physical injuries are easily fixable, those on the mind will take more than simply magic to heal. They will take time.”

“I understand.”

Kilgharrah bends down and breathes on Merlin. That’s it? Sure, the breath is all sparkly, but Merlin looks so grateful and respectful, words I never thought I’d associate with him. It’s unnerving.

“When are you going to tell me what happened with the Disir?” I ask.

Merlin steps away from Kilgharrah and sighs. “I already told you. Once I’ve found a way to-.” He shakes his head. “I’m an idiot.”

“No disagreements here.”

“Shut up, prat, or I’ll tell you nothing.” Merlin stares at Kilgharrah intently. It takes a moment longer than I’d like for me to realise that they’re talking telepathically. He grins suddenly and turns to me. “I’ve got a way.”

“Just tell me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

If anyone’s being ridiculous, it’s him. Kings are immune to such things.

Merlin faces Kilgharrah and talks rapidly in a growly language, probably dragon-tongue. He pauses and switches languages. “You will tell Arthur Pendragon the truth to any question he asks. You will not harm him no matter his reaction, even if that is to turn his sword on me.”

Kilgharrah bows his head. “You may regret this, young warlock.”

“I may, but I think the prat’s finally learning to listen.” Merlin nods to me. “I’ll be over there healing Aithusa. If you don’t come to me by sunrise, then I’ll be gone from Camelot by the next sunset.”

I try to say that I won’t banish him, but the words don’t come. Morgana’s confidence in my reaction still ebbs away in the back of my mind, despite what I said earlier. Merlin walks away calmly, Aithusa trailing behind. This is it then. Time to learn why he thinks he’s failed his destiny and what exactly was worth magic’s continued prosecution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin spent a solid hour ignoring Arthur between this chapter and the previous one.


	10. The Final Straw

“Before you ask any questions, Arthur Pendragon, know that Merlin swore on his mother’s life that he would release me after I aided him with one of the witch Morgause’s invasions of Camelot. I take full responsibility for my subsequent attack.”

“That wasn’t the first time he made a decision regarding the future of my kingdom without consulting me, was it?”

“No.”

I sigh. “I suppose I don’t want to know how many times that’s happened. But I do want to know how many times he’s saved my life.”

“To my understanding, Merlin has saved your life forty-eight times. I don’t believe he’s counting. I’m merely going off the instances he’s told me about.”

“And the amount of times he’s used magic against me?”

I hate asking, but I need to know. I need to know that I can trust him completely.

“Seventeen, if you count releasing me as one of them and multiple instances of doing it for your own good.”

“My own good?” I scoff. “When could he have possibly used magic against me for my own good?”

“When you’ve been under enchantment or the singular time he had to place you under one.”

“He what?” I yell.

Kilgharrah rises to his full height. “Understand this, Arthur Pendragon, for if Merlin had not placed you under enchantment, you would have died and Camelot would have fallen to your sister. There is no doubt of it.”

“When did this happen?”

“During the witch Morgana’s most recent assault on Camelot. You were injured and unwilling to leave the citadel. Merlin was forced to place you under enchantment to make you more compliant with his suggestions. It is my understanding that, though he found it amusing at times, he grew to hate it and swore to never use his magic like that again. Merlin was repulsed by his power for some time after the two of you took Camelot back.”

He’s under a dragonlord order to tell the truth. Remember that. He must tell the truth. No wonder Merlin was so insistent that I know for sure that I knew it was truth. Still...

“The two of us took Camelot back? I know Merlin played a role in bringing me out of my stupor and it’s my understanding that he provided me with my sword, so that whole rock legend was probably him, but what else did he do in that battle?”

“He bound Morgana’s magic and prevented her from accessing it throughout the fight. You should not discount the value of Merlin’s ability to inspire, however unmagical it may be in origin. The young warlock had me gathering Camelot’s people throughout the night before you drew my sword.”

His sword? Merlin did mention dragon-forged. I guess Aithusa’s a bit young to have done something like that back then.

Wait a moment. “Merlin must have been up all night, two nights in a row. How’d he manage to go into battle that exhausted?”

“His magic was most probably sustaining him. I doubt he realised it at the time, too focussed on freeing Camelot from Morgana.”

I shake my head. “He’s been doing this for years, sacrificing his own well-being to save us all. How have I not noticed it? Don’t answer that.”

“What question do you want answered then?”

I suppose it’s time to ask it. “What was the final straw? What made Merlin believe he had failed his destiny?”

“Telling you that magic had no place in Camelot.”

“But why would he do such a thing? What could possibly be worth that much to Merlin?”

Kilgharrah laughs. “You, Arthur Pendragon. You have always meant more to Merlin than anything else. He has spent the last ten years dedicated to saving your life. The decision may have been difficult but the result inevitable.”

“That doesn’t make sense! Merlin wasn’t choosing between magic and me. It was reject magic or accept it and allow ... Mordred to live.” My stomach drops. “It was a choice between accepting magic and letting Mordred die. Merlin wanted him dead. It’s obvious. He could’ve easily saved Mordred with his magic before we returned to the Disir, couldn’t he have?”

Kilgharrah goes rigid. “Yes.” The answer seems forced out of him.

That was the first time he fought against the command, wasn’t it?

“What gives him the right to try and kill one of my knights?”

“You did.”

I flinch. “What?”

“You put the choice in Merlin’s hands. Did you not wonder why he was crying at the time? Even I could sense his great sadness the moment you left him with the decision. You asked him to choose between his two great destinies, his two driving forces. You asked him to choose between restoring magic to Camelot and saving your life from the one destined to end it.”

“Is that why Merlin is so strange around Mordred? Because he’s destined to kill me?”

“I have told him as much since the druid first came to Camelot. He ignored my warnings then, just like he did with Morgana. It was only after someone showed him a vision of Mordred standing over your dead body with a sword that Merlin finally understood the consequences for ignoring me.”

“You asked him to kill a child?”

“I did.”

This is the same dragon that manipulated Merlin into freeing him. This is the same dragon that made Merlin so unsure about Morgana that the idiot believed he failed her when she turned to darkness. This is the same dragon that spent twenty years building resentment against my family and only having ridiculous notions of prophecy, destiny and fate to occupy him.

Kilgharrah took advantage of Merlin when he was young, naïve and struggling with his magic. I won’t let him mess with my friend’s mind any longer.

“Why did Mordred survive then, after I presume you insisted that Merlin let him die at all costs?”

“I did advise Merlin to do so. Neither of us knew that the Disir would punish you for your choice by allowing the druid to live.”

“It wasn’t a punishment for me; it was for Merlin. Mordred is loyal, whether your destiny-clouded vision can recognise that. He has done nothing to suggest he would one day betray me.”

Kilgharrah laughs. “And you’re an expert on that, are you? How many around you have kept secrets? How many times does it take for King Arthur Pendragon to be betrayed before he realises that he trusts too easily?”

Ah. “You hate me, just like you hated my father, don’t you? You claim to care about my life to Merlin so he trusts you, but you only want us to fulfil this destiny for your own benefit. You don’t care about us, do you?”

Kilgharrah struggles against the order again, roaring in frustration. “Of course I hate you, Pendragon! Your only use is righting the wrongs of your father. If you had not been born, my kind would still be alive, not bordering on extinction. But don’t dare presume that I don’t care for Merlin. He is my kin and aiding him in his destiny has given me purpose as I edge closer to fading from this world. He has brought Aithusa into this world and ensured that I am not the last of my kind. I may never forgive his father for helping Uther trap me while my kind were hunted down and slaughtered, but Merlin chose to banish me rather than vanquish me after I betrayed him and attacked his home, attacked you. I am not as ignorant of the full extent of his loyalty like you are.”

“Just because you must tell the truth, it doesn’t mean that you’re right,” I say slowly. “I do understand what Merlin has sacrificed now, and I’m sure he can fill in the blanks. As for you, Kilgharrah, I hereby banish you from Camelot’s lands. You will never reap the benefits of a magic-freed kingdom. If Merlin truly does require your consult on matters of importance, I will accompany him outside our borders to ensure that you don’t continue manipulating him.”

“You’ll regret this, Arthur Pendragon.”

“No, I don’t believe I will.” I step away. “And if you decide to attack anyone outside Camelot’s borders, I’ll be sure to send my Court Sorcerer to deal with you. You may not have to follow my orders, but you do have to follow his. And as you’ve said, Merlin tends to choose me above all else. He’s idiotically loyal like that.”

I stride away from Kilgharrah, smiling as he roars while taking off.

I’ve got to find Merlin. It’s about time we had a chat about trying to let knights die just because of a pesky thing called destiny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The saving Arthur's life count/using magic against him is one I did while rewatching the series so it's pretty accurate to the episode these events follow (Freya's ep had one of the highest Merlin using magic against Arthur counts). I also did one of Arthur saving Merlin's life which ended up being ten times. Merlin's slightly in the lead there.


	11. Shared Destiny, Not Save Camelot by Yourself

Merlin is perched on a particularly large boulder when I walk into the clearing. Aithusa’s head is in his lap, her body curled around him and her tail wrapped around the rock. I can already see the difference in her injuries. The largest wounds and abnormalities look trivial in comparison to earlier and her scales seem brighter than before. Merlin’s head is lowered, his gold eyes sweeping over her body as he mutters lowly in two different languages, neither of which I understand.

He certainly appears more like the greatest sorcerer and last dragonlord than a clumsy manservant, but I recognise that adoration, care and concentration in his demeanour. He’s still the same Merlin, just a little more ridiculous.

I clear my throat and Merlin shakes his head, his eyes fading to their usual blue. Aithusa lifts her head, glances at me, then lies down next to Merlin, rather than on him.

Merlin finally looks at me, annoyed. “Congratulations, Arthur, now Aithusa has to come back to Camelot with us.”

“What?” I take in his seriousness. “But we can’t just stroll back into Camelot with a dragon. That’s ridiculous.”

“You should’ve thought of that before banishing her only other guardian, you clotpole. I’m certainly not allowing her to leave Camelot without me any time soon, not while she still needs my help to recover and certainly not with an untrustworthy old bat like Kilgharrah.”

So Merlin doesn’t trust him, but...

“How could you know what I did? I’m pretty sure your magic doesn’t give you enhanced hearing.”

Merlin sighs and slides off his boulder, Aithusa immediately curling into his spot. “With the right spell, it probably could. In this case though, Kilgharrah told me.”

“But when could he have-?”

Merlin taps his head.

“Oh. Mind-speech. I forgot.”

Merlin grins. “You do that a lot, but I suppose if you keep remembering what matters then I won’t give you a hard time about it, much.”

“Well I’m never going to forget that night in the tavern, that’s for sure.”

“You got Kilgharrah to answer all your questions, then?”

“The most important ones. I still have no clue who Freya is or a couple other names that might’ve slipped my mind.”

Merlin’s smile fades. “Freya was the first and only person I could imagine a future with. She had a terrible curse that got her killed. I... I couldn’t save her. If I had met her now then my magic would’ve been enough, but... In your rule, she wouldn’t have been brought to Camelot in the first place. The villages would’ve dealt with it and never said a thing about it.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice at the time.”

It won’t happen again.

“You did notice, Arthur, and in your weird emotionally-stunted way, you helped me with it.”

Still, why would things have been different in my father’s reign?

Oh. “Did she have magic?” I ask.

“No, she was a druid.”

“But druids haven’t been prosecuted for years. Nobody in Camelot would dare go against that.”  

Merlin sighs. “Over twenty years of hatred doesn’t end with a law change, Arthur. Druids still have to be careful in Camelot. People see their mark and they assume magic, which isn’t always the case. But most of them use magic as part of their lifestyle; it’s as common as any other tool. Even if you do change the laws with magic-.”

“I will.”

“Even if you do, people aren’t going to drop their prejudices. They’re not going to stop extraditing magic-users or blaming anyone isolated, or someone that’s wronged them, of a crime using magic. People are scared of what they don’t understand and the hatred that stems from that makes them not want to understand in the first place. What Morgana’s been doing is just making that worse. The fact that I’m a warlock is going to make it near impossible for you to convince your council and people that I haven’t enchanted you. People are going to wonder why Emrys is a servant. Nothing about this process will be easy.”

“Then you won’t be my servant anymore,” I declare.

Merlin looks like I’ve grown a second head. “How exactly am I meant to protect your royal backside from magical threats if I’m not spending every second around you?”

“You’ll be my Chief Advisor and Court Sorcerer when the ban is lifted.”

“So instead of having two jobs, manservant and apprentice to the Court Physician, I’ll have three. Great.”

I shake my head. “You’re practically already my advisor, Merlin, just not in any official capacity. You already do most of what a Court Sorcerer does, albeit behind the scenes. If anything, I’m reducing your workload because you won’t need to clean my socks anymore.”

“Don’t Kings usually listen to their advisors? Most the time I give you advice you ignore it completely and immediately wind up in trouble.”

“But then you can use magic openly to get me out of it.”

“Again, how do you expect me to do that when I’m not trailing in your shadow?”

“First of all, I don’t think you’ve ‘trailed in my shadow’ like a normal servant for years. Second, most Chief Advisors rarely leave their Kings alone inside the castle, and outside, I’ll need my magical protector to defend me from threats I can’t beat with a sword.”

Merlin frowns. “I can’t protect you from every threat, Arthur.”

“Well it might help if you stop thinking one of my most loyal is about to kill me at any moment.” He flinches. I continue. “Really, I’ve no idea what you were thinking believing a dragon that’s been trying to manipulate you for years, actually succeeding for two, over your abnormal ability to tell when someone’s up to no good. Unless you’ve actually seen Mordred acting suspiciously lately.”

“I... No, I haven’t.”

“Then perhaps instead of doubting a young knight that physically lights up whenever I’m nearby, you should put your time into helping me revise some certain laws.”

He shakes his head. “Arthur, you don’t understand. I saw him kill you. I didn’t know it was Mordred at the time, until we saw him in Ismere. He claims he doesn’t resent me for almost not helping in his escape or almost letting Camelot’s knights capture him another time, but Morgana said the same thing about the poison and I just can’t trust-.”

“Then trust me. You can do that, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then trust me now when I say that destiny, fate, visions of the future, it’s all nonsense. Not all of Morgana’s visions of the future have come true and she’s meant to be some powerful seer. And if you truly believe that you failed your destiny when Mordred was healed, then doesn’t that mean he can choose to fail his and not turn on me?”

Merlin tenses. His eyes widen slightly, and he recoils. “I hadn’t thought of that. Gods, I hadn’t... I tried to let him die. I’ve turned him away so many times because of this, just like with Morgana, which...” Merlin chokes back a sob. He stares at me, tears gathering in his eyes. “I did it again. It’s just like the damned Crystal of Neahtid all over again! I tried to change the events of the future and it made it happen. It would’ve been my fault if you hadn’t-. I would’ve kept pushing him away, again and again, and he-. I didn’t even believe it when I was told he wasn’t your bane. I was so blinded by it all ... just like Morgana. I’m just like Morgana.”

“No.” I grab his shoulders and steady him. “You are not just like her. Morgana is incapable of feeling remorse and responsibility for her actions. She’s been twisted into something unrecognisable. I know because of you that it wasn’t her magic that did that. Because you, Merlin, are too good, too essentially good to become like her.”

“But how can I fix this? How can I even begin to repair what I’ve done to Mordred?”

It’s about time I was the one giving the advice.

“You tell him the truth and you apologise.”

Merlin stares at me in horror. “I can’t do that. He’d hate me!”

“Mordred practically worships you. You are Emrys, after all. When you still wouldn’t speak to me about your magic, even after I told you that I knew, I talked to him about it. Mordred was more than happy to rattle off your greatest magical feats that he knew about. He thinks you hate him because of his connection to Morgana. I’m sure he’ll be upset to learn the real reason, but if you genuinely apologise and I remove the ban on magic, I see no reason for him to turn on me in the future.” I let go of Merlin and turn in the direction of Camelot. “In fact, the moment you’ve got Aithusa settled, I want you to find Mordred and have a nice long chat with him. Afterwards you can find me and we can have a little chat about you trying to shoulder our shared destiny by yourself.”

“I suppose that’s an order, sire?”

I smile. “It’s about time you learned to recognise those.”

*

When Merlin does return from Mordred’s chambers, he looks completely exhausted yet lighter somehow. He grins at Guinevere, immediately helping her with her packing.

“Arthur tells me you’re no longer his manservant,” she says.

Merlin shrugs. “Guess he finally got sick of me.”

“He fired you?” Guinevere turns on me. “How could you?”

Merlin laughs, recapturing her attention. “Don’t worry, Gwen. He promoted me. Apparently the prat wants some Chief Advisor or something. I only really heard him say that I don’t have to wash his socks anymore.”

She turns to me for answers.

I smile. “We’ll tell you everything when you return from your father’s grave.”

Guinevere nods. “I look forward to it.”

In the meantime, I should get started on those pesky magic laws. Good thing I have a new advisor to help with all the paperwork.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suffice to say, whenever Merlin needs Kilgharrah's advice in the future, he gets to visit his mother and Ealdor gets to host a king. 
> 
> It's been fun writing this over the past few weeks and reading reactions in the comments. I'm glad I decided to write a follow-up for Not Today (and a happy ending too). Sorry for skipping over that scene with Merlin and Mordred, but the whole fic has been from Arthur's POV so it didn't fit. I might write their talk at a later time (maybe not set in this universe; I'm not sure yet). Thank you for reading and engaging with the story. I hope the ending was satisfying.

**Author's Note:**

> In this, I consider Mordred to still be good. He still worships Arthur at this point in canon even if Merlin can't see that.


End file.
